«I’m not that girl»

It’s been a while since the last time I wrote in english, and I don’t know if I really want to do this but I prefer to write this kind of stuff in a language that none of my relatives would understand. After all, maybe I’m a little bit shy.

There’s a song from the musical Wicked that I think was written just for me:

It’s not that I am so in love that I feel deeply depressed about all this situation, but I’m getting tired of it, really tired. I’m sick of feeling something for somebody who likes another person. I know that it’s not on purpose, but after several times it’s annoying.

And you know why it is annoying? Because it takes me a lot to finally feel something for someone, even though I’m very romantic and I fall in love at every corner, it’s hard for me to finally see a potential partner in someone, and I think it’s because I’m a special kind of person who’s not so easy to understand.

But when the miracle is out there, can you guess what happens? Yes, he’s in love with another one! And now is particularly sad because I think that he could be perfect for me in so many ways, as if he was made just for me. He likes music, he likes art, he wants a future so similar than mine (a rhyme, lovely!), and I feel so comfortable talking with him that I could spend hours and hours doing that.

I love when I can actually TALK with someone, no small-talk but a real conversation in which I can share opinions and different points of view about something. I don’t care much if the other person doesn’t like the same things that I like, but I need a person that is passionate about something, even if that passion is related with cars or a sport. And he’s so in love with what he does that I love to hear him talk about it…

This lovely and unreachable person has a beautiful voice tone that makes it more difficult for me to handle this. I really like when a man has this peaceful way of talking, as if he’s chewing the words. He doesn’t sing so well for me, in fact I don’t like it so much because I prefer a strong singer, but he’s so sweet, so charming, so nice…

 «Is he gay?» maybe you wonder, and no, the answer (this time) is that he’s not. And there’s another thing that I ask myself: «would it be easier for me if he were gay?«, well… I don’t know, but it would end up in a platonic love and nothing more, and not in this frustration that oppresses me when I realise that I could have him but I’m not that girl!

I am frustrated and I must write this down to take away this feeling from me. I’m completely sick of it! Do I not deserve a boyfriend like any other girl? Does it have to be so difficult for me? Why?! I would like to be in love and receive feedback from that special other, I would love to be loved by someone that I love, I don’t want to be the spinster of my family and have everyone around me asking if I am okay.

And really, read this and please don’t say it to me, the words «when you less wait it, he will come» are the worst words you can say to someone like me, so do not repeat them, don’t dare to tell me that because I hate it. How long do I have to wait until it casually appears? And if you want to be happy, I started this year not wanting to fall in love and look at me now, sad and lonely thinking so bad of myself because of him.

Due to all of this I have a huge lack of confidence in me. Am I not enough woman? Am I not so pretty? Should I be more skinny? Should I be more obvious and not so subtle? Is out there a technique to all of this? Why some people find their soulmates and everything’s ok and it’s so difficult for me?

The conclusion of this situations is this song of Patsy Cline:

Have you ever felt like this? I would love to be more precise with this but I cannot, you know… bureaucratic rules 😛